Boing! Boing! Fucking Boing!

Today is the FIRST Monday after the clocks so eloquently sprung forward over the weekend. To say that there is LESS pep in my step is a gross understatement. And, it seems that I am not the only one feeling this way. Historically, after this time every year, I spend about a week feeling completely hungover, tired, grumpy and ready to do nothing other than curl up in bed and sleep. But WHY? Beyond the physical fact that it messes up our internal clocks, there is something psychological going on in my brain and quite possibly yours as well if you hate change as much as I do.

Change is hard. Change is scary. But, beyond that, change that is out of my control is annoying as hell. I can’t stand it. I’ve been through a LOT of changes in my 40 years on this Earth, however, I still cannot stand when my comfort is challenged by change. It makes me angry, grumpy and uncomfortable. Every. Single. Time. Even if it something good.

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Recently, my husband and I had a major shift in financial roles. For years, I was the one who made the most money. I paid the higher bills and this never bothered me. Not once. We had been in the other boat when we first got together, we have separate banking accounts and have always shared the financial load. I understand that we are a partnership and never looked down on him or thought badly that he wasn’t making quite what I was making. After all, he worked super hard and had an amazing work ethic and was working toward a goal. That goal was recently reached when he got promoted at work and the scales shifted in his direction. Suddenly, HE was the boss and HE was making more money that me. And I was ecstatic! Until, well frankly, I wasn’t.

One day, while doing laundry, handling stuff for both of my businesses, I started to tear up. After quickly checking the calendar and seeing that I was NOT PMSing, I sat and tried to put my finger on it. What was bothering me? Why was I sad? I hadn’t been sad in years. What the hell was going on? And THEN it hit me. HARD. My husband didn’t “need” me anymore. The irony is that he really didn’t “need” me all along. He could have left me anytime in the years prior. It’s not like he was a pauper. But, I felt the actual shift in our positions and even though it was positive change and I was so excited for what it meant for him and us, it was scary. For the first time in a LONG time I was…..oh my god…..INSECURE! That night we talked, I cried some more and he reassured me and life carried on. It always does!

This taught me, once again, that I suck at change—whether it’s good or bad. I like to think that I adapt well and am always open to it, but apparently deep down, my mind disagrees. And twice a year, when the clocks change, it hits me like a brick between my eyes. The clocks spring forward and I fall back. They fall back and I lie down and practically die. I am a change-hater! And, ya know what? That is ok.

Once you recognize a weakness, it is easier to work through it each time it arises. So, now, I push myself harder to get through the good and bad changes that come up. And in life, there are A LOT. It’s like being in the ocean and waiting for the next wave to hit. You can freak out and let the waves overtake you and drown OR you can breathe, stay calm and eventually they will pass and you will continue to swim.

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So, today, I’m downing coffee, probably going to take a short nap at some point and allowing myself to gently adjust to the new time change. I’m cheering my husband on as he interviews potential employees at his new position and looking forward to buying our first house together in a little over a month. ALL big changes, but all ok. (inhales/exhales slowly)

Did I mention that I HATE swimming in the ocean? (inhales/exhales slowly again)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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